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They Can Mess You Up
by David Hearne
From: “David Hearne” <>
Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 13:25:40 -0400
Subject: xfc: They Can Mess You Up (1 of 1)
Source: xfc
TITLE: THEY CAN MESS YOU UP (1 of 1)
AUTHOR: DAVID HEARNE
CLASSIFICATION: Post-ep for “Hollywood A.D.”
RATING: PG
ARCHIVE: Permission granted.
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Website is located at http://members.dencity.com/hearne
Dustjacket by Tre
“Scary, funny, sexy! A marvellous thrill ride!”
— Larry King on “The Lazarus Bowl”
EXCERPT FROM THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO —
Leno: So, you’re the real Agent Scully?
Scully: Yes. Yes, I am.
Leno: Well, you’re a looker. You could be in the movies yourself.
[Whoop from the audience]
Scully: Um, thanks.
Leno: So how close is this movie to your real-life job?
Scully: I can’t really say. I haven’t seen the movie yet.
Leno: Oh, I have. It’s a good movie. Isn’t it, Kevin?
Kevin Eubanks: M-hm.
Leno: Real scary, right?
Eubanks: Right.
Leno: Those zombies, they sorta look like you when you wake up in the morning, don’t they?
[Eubanks forces a laugh while clutching his guitar with tight hands.]
Leno: Anyway…where were we?
Scully: You were asking me about the movie?
Leno: Right, right. Which you haven’t seen.
Scully: No.
Leno: Well, gee, then what’s the point of having you here?
[Scully looks at Leno, then starts to get up. Leno reaches out to stop her.]
Leno: I’m kidding! I’m kidding!
[Scully gives Leno another look, then sits back down.]
Leno: I guess I shouldn’t kid an armed woman, should I?
Scully: Actually, I’m not carrying my gun right now. Your security people have it.
Leno: Oh, I love those guys. I have them with me wherever I go. Especially when I’m around Kev. Right, Kev?
Eubanks: …right, Jay.
Leno(to Scully): So you’re not carrying a gun.
Scully: That point has been established.
Leno: But I bet you know karate and judo. Right? All that Emma Peel stuff?
Scully: Well, not exactly. Every agent has to learn some basic defensive technique before…
Leno: Why don’t you show us?
Scully: Huh?
Leno: Show us. You know, there’s something about a woman who can throw a man around. Right, fellas?
[Big manly cheer.]
Leno: Okay, then! We’re going to have a commercial now. And when we come back, Agent Scully is going to show us what she’s made of! Back after this!
[Commercial break]
[Cut back to Jay Leno Show. Leno is now dressed in a black-and-white-striped shirt and a blindfold with two eyeholes cut in it. He and Scully are standing before a set made to look like a dark, scary street.]
Scully: …really don’t know about this.
Leno: Trust me. It’ll be fun. Okay, we’re back! Now, Agent Scully here is going to show us…boy, pardon me for saying so but do you sleep in a matchbox?
[Scully’s face turns blank. The audience goes “oooo.”]
Leno: I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Now I’m the big bad guy, right?
[The keyboard player does an ominous dirge.]
Leno: And I’m coming behind you, ready to mug you or something. Now, what do you do, hotshot? Just what do you do?
EXCERPT FROM VARIETY —
LENO INJURED BY FBI AGENT
A sketch on “The Tonight Show” turned sour as Jay Leno suffered a broken wrist at the hands of a female FBI agent. “It was an accident,” Agent Dana Scully insisted. “He came up behind me too fast…”
EXCERPT FROM “THE CHARLIE ROSE SHOW” —
Rose: When I was watching this movie…I was…struck…by certain themes…concerning religion…faith…
EXCERPT FROM “ROGER EBERT AT THE MOVIES” —
Ebert: Overall, I don’t think “The Lazarus Bowl” congeals very well.
Joel Siegel: Oh, I agree.
Ebert: Do you?
Siegel: Oh, yes.
Ebert: Of course, I’m not entirely sure.
Siegel: Well, I’m not either.
Ebert: Are you?
Siegel: Yes.
Ebert: Tell me, Joel, where do you think you’ll be next week?
Siegel: Uhhh…
EXCERPT FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN” —
Letterman: Before we start, Agent Mulder, I better warn you — Paul over there is a deadly weapon.
[Audience laughs smugly.]
Paul Schaffer: That’s right. I am.
Letterman: So no funny business, right?
Mulder: What are you talking…oh.
Letterman: Yeah, that.
Mulder: Look, that was a complete accident…
Letterman: Your partner is a hot little pepper, ain’t she?
Mulder: Agent Scully is the epitome of professionalism. What happened with Leno…
Letterman: Epitome?
Mulder: Epitome.
Letterman: E-pi-tome. E-pi-tome. E-pi-tome! E-PI-TOME!
[Letterman begins to hammer his fists on his desk. The drummer starts up a beat. The audience claps its hands to the rhythm while chanting “E-PI-TOME! E-PI-TOME!” This goes on for a minute while Mulder looks on with no expression. The audience finally stops and cheers for itself.]
Letterman: Well, that was a real hootenanny, wasn’t it?
[He makes a face at the camera. More smug laughter from the audience.]
Letterman: Anyway, back to your crazed and violent partner…
Mulder: Agent Scully is not violent or crazed. She’s…
Letterman: Still, I bet you’re careful around her, right?
Mulder: We have a respectful relationship…
Letterman: Ooooo! Respect! How much do you respect her?
[Pause.]
Mulder: Mister Letterman, do you remember when Crispin Glover threw a kick that came within an inch of your face?
[Pause.]
Letterman: Yes.
Mulder: Ever wonder what would happen if that kick had connected?
[Quickest cut to a commercial in television history.]
“I am not terribly well-educated on the genre of science fiction; mainly because it seems to best serve the desires of sexually maladjusted adolescents. However, I have an European education as well as a proficiency in several languages. That gives me the expertise to speak with perception on all matters. Looking upon ‘The Lazarus Bowl,’ I observe a different kind of bowl, one best suited for the bathroom rather than any kind of religious edifice…”
– John Simon
Rose: …the conflict between science and belief…the search for deeper truth…the spiritual yearnings of a people at the dawn of a new millennium…
EXCERPT FROM “ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT” —
Mary Hart: Here we are, straight from the red carpet at the star-studded premiere of “The Lazarus Bowl!” Oh, and look who’s here! It’s real-life FBI agents Mulder and Scully!
Bob Goen (off-screen): Better duck, Mary!
[Hart and Goen laugh cheerfully.]
Hart: Mulder! Scully! Over here!
[Mulder and Scully approach Hart with unease.]
Hart: How does it feel to be in Hollywood?
Scully: Since we’re in Burbank, I’m not sure.
Hart: Oh…yeah! Sure! Now the question everybody is asking…
Scully: The FBI has settled out-of-court with Mr. Leno…
Hart: Oh, not that! What everybody wants to knows is…are you two an item?
[Mulder and Scully look at each other. Then they look back at Hart.]
Mulder: We’ll answer that if you’ll answer our question, Mary.
Hart: Oh. Okay! What is it?
Mulder: Do you have to be actually stupid to get this job or is it enough to just fake it?
[Hart stops smiling.]
Mulder: Not sure, huh?
[Mulder and Scully leave.]
Hart: Who the [expletive deleted] does that [obscene noun] think he is? If I ever see him again, I’ll [utterly repulsive and revolting phrase] with a Black & Decker saw!
EXCERPT FROM “THE ROSIE O’DONNELL SHOW” —
O’Donnell : I saw “The Lazarus Bowl” last night.
John the band-leader : Did you?
O’Donnell: It was SO scary! I swear I wanted to hide under my seat!
John: Hmm.
O’Donnell: I was like, OHMIGOD! All the time!
John: Huh.
O’Donnell: Soooo scary!
John: Yeah, well…
O’Donnell: OHMIGOD! I was never so scared…
John: FOR [BEEP] SAKE, TAKE A [BEEP] PILL, WON’T YOU, ROSIE?
Rose: …as well…as the themes inherent…in the relationship…between… Mulder and Scully and how…their love for each other conflicts with…their fears…and…
EXCERPT FROM “US” MAGAZINE —
“The bad blood continued between Hollywood and FBI Agent Dana Scully when Joan Rivers made a visit to ‘Live with Regis and Kathie Lee.’ Both Rivers and Kathie Lee Gifford said scornful things about Scully, attributing her behavior to ‘not being a mother.’ They also added that ‘she better not mess with either one of us.’
“To which Agent Scully responded, ‘Not being a mother beats having some weird, Joan-Crawfordish-‘Mommie-Dearest’-no-wire-hangers relationship with a child.’ She did agreed that it would be unwise to pick a fight with the two women since Rivers ‘was obviously some kind of succubus’ and you could ‘break your hand on Kathie Lee’s hair.’”
EXCERPT FROM “THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER” —
“The Lazarus Bowl” debuted at number five in the box office this week, a disappointing debut for the Gary Shandling-Tea Leoni sci-fi film. At number four was “All This and Brains, Too,” the teen comedy starring Jackie Pope (star of WB’s hot show “Tampa High”) as a hunky C-average student who pretends to be smart in order to win the heart of the female valedictorian.
Number three was “The Good Monsignor,” an animated musical about the Spanish Inquisition with songs by Styx and Peter Frampton. “U.S.O.” (the action comedy starring Bruce Willis, George Clooney, Sandra Bullock and DMX as entertainers hired to do an espionage mission during the Vietnam War) stayed at number two and — for the third week in a row — the number one position was held by “You and Me” (the comedy-drama starring Julia Roberts as an inexperienced yet plucky detective trying to find the mother of a boy played by Haley Joel Osment.)
“A horrifying, terrifying, scarifying 8!”
— Susan Granger
Rose: …how they work together…in this…strange environment. Was that…what interested you in the story… to begin with?
Gary Shandling: I’m sorry, what?
Interviewer: Have you seen “The Lazarus Bowl?”
Pauline Kael: Never heard of it.
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